Year of the first trimester
Three first trimesters in one year is hard enough for anyone.
Looking back at 2007, I have a hard time believing that was me.
Last Christmas was the first time we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited, so hopeful. But at the first doctor appointment, it was not to be. The miscarriage happened during what was to be a party trip to Las Vegas.
That time seems so surreal. I existed, I was so sad.
I took the time to feel awful, I grieved.
Memorial day, that was the second pregnancy. At the time, I had a new boss I irritated by being within 50 feet of him. This meant daily insinuation of HR meetings and an immediate and ominous “30 day review.”
Screw that.
I quit that job for July Fourth. My going away party included hemorrhaging. So while everyone congratulated me on my new endeavor, I doubled over with pain.
I drank too much that day.
I drank too much for the next many days.
But see, I had a new business I was starting!
New business! New business!
No time to mourn these petty losses!
Busybusybusy with new clients and new work and an exciting future!
Let’s put this behind me! Onward!
New business!
Except see, that two miscarriages in one year don’t really go away like that. They stick around in the back of your head whispering such goldens as,
“You’ve failed your husband.”
And “you will never make a baby”and
“you don’t deserve to procreate” and
“you’re going to have to start an infertility blog,” and
“how will we ever afford to adopt?”
Three months after the second miscarriage, I continued to break down when I saw pregnant women (pregnant dogs, babies and even “What Not to Wear” episodes featuring moms).
I continued to avoid babies,
I continued to tell you, “I’m all right, I’m just fine, busybusybusy.”
I became a master of glib.
To her credit, my sister saw how glib wasn’t working.
(Funny, how with me, glib doesn’t work. I try and try, but every time I attempt glib, I fail miserably. Take that 2008! I’m done with the glib!)
She treated me to several sessions with a talented acupuncturist*, who quietly demonstrated now wasn’t the time to be hard on myself. Now was the time to heal, to come back. He made my life worth more than procreating and work. He recommended a ceremony to honor my losses, I took that advice and it helped me.
* If you live in the Bay Area and think are interested in acupuncture, go see him! Byron is the bomb.
I know it could be worse, I know I got off lightly.
This is but a drop in the relative pregnancy suffering bucket.
Just with the eight weeks of pregnancy, plus ten weeks plus the past 15, well, that means I was pregnant for a total of eight months this year! EIGHT MONTHS of first trimesters! That’s eight months of persistent nausea, eight months of awful headaches, eight months of not drinking while the rest of your wine country friends sip away, eight months of giant, swollen boobs, extreme fatigue and irritation.
That’s quite a year of crankiness and hermitude.
Why am I telling you about these miscarriages?
Because, in my mind, they had futures, real futures.
And weren’t right for this plane.
I’m complaining complaining with a happy ending, complaining so that the lady — that poor lady with the swollen and the sick year — complaining so the lady who lived through that particular 2007 gets her due.
I tell you because we have good news.
This third time around, we’re scared and filled with trepidation, we’re superstitious and terrified.
But we’re pregnant.
We’re a little over three and a half months there.
Did I mention we’re terrified?
We have heartbeats and
we have wiggles and
we have extreme morning sickness to back it all up.
And we couldn’t be happier.
I debated sharing this even this early.
If we have another catastrophe, won’t it stink to have to tell more people?
But I get a lot of support from this site, and I want you guys to come along with me.
I need this right now, no matter what happens.
Quick Helen Jane’s breeding fact sheet
Due date: Sometime in late June/early July
(I have my estimate, the doctor’s office has theirs.)
What’s the name? You’ll have to wait until July for those facts.
Will you find out the gender? Same.
Biggest craving: Pineapple.
Second biggest: Rice pudding.
Work plan: I plan to continue work. I come from a long, proud line of working mothers. And I look forward to continuing that tradition. Thank the internet my work allows me to be more flexible than most.
Fate of the man room: Unknown.
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HJ,
We haven’t ever gotten to know each other well, simply overlapping circles from time to time.
But I wanted to tell you “Congrats” and “Mazel Tov”, and “Woo-F*ckin’-Hoo”!
Holy hell! Congratulations!
Though this does mean no drinking ourselves silly in Austin, but who cares?! I’m thrilled for you and James!
Longtime reader here that doesn’t comment much …
CONGRATS! I’m due in mid-June.
We had similar problems so I feel your pain!
Congrats again!
I am happy and hopeful for you. You will be a rad mom.
Long time reader, fellow former WIer and MUer. Could not be happier for you!
Oh, congrats to you. I’m sorry to hear of what it took to bring you here, but I am so tickled by your happiness.
Congratulations!
I was so hoping this post would have a happy ending, and it did! Many congratulations to you and the husband!
A friend pointed me in the direction of this post. I’m sitting here w/tears in my eyes because you’ve just written my story. 2007 was the year of 1st trimesters for me, too. I’ve just gotten a very early positive pregnancy test, and I’m hoping with all my might that 2008 will be the year of healthy babies for me — and for you, too.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Good luck, good luck, good luck!!
Hooray!!!! That is awesome news! Again, I’m one who only knows you through following you, but I actually did a happy wiggle for you in my seat!
Oh sweetie! Congratulations and all the best to you!
Congratulations!
Woohoo! Congratulations to you both!
(“Quick Helen Jane’s breeding fact sheet”? OH LORD…you never cease to crack me up!)
Congratulations and the very best well wishes for you and your family, from a longtime lurker/sometimes commenter.
That baby is going to have oodles of fun and creative projects and delicious eats, with you as a Mom!
Congratulations! We lost two pregnancies too. Now we have a healthy baby. I hope the same for you.
I’m so happy it’s finally your turn! I’m all teary up in here.
(Will do my best not to hate you (you know how it is) and to think only happy thoughts.)
I can’t wait for June/July!
So happy for you! I wish you all the best from Portland, Oregon (and am now following your twitters too!).
I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve never gone through a similar experience but I have friends who’ve suffered miscarriages. I’m happy to say though that they’ve both gone on to have beautiful babies. I don’t know if that’s at all helpful to hear. If anything is helfpul to hear but I just wanted to share.
Congratulations! And I’ll be sending all the possible good thoughts and wishes your way.
Great news! We have kids too, so I can tell you that they are indeed loads of fun most of the time. Best wishes from Santa Rosa, CA.
Hey hey hey–congratulations….and mazel tov….and every other good wish I can think of. You’ll make a fantastic mom!
HJ -
Congratulations!!!!! I am very happy to hear of your good news and also very sad to hear of your losses, my heart goes out to you. It is so hard to be going on with a busy, busy life with that kind of thing there as a reminder.
I just wanted to let you know that I always look forward to your posts and I think of you every time I make a salad with pickled onions.
Again, congratulations! You deserve it.
Oh HJ,
I am so happy for you! You will be in my thoughts.
Do you want to borrow any of my pregnancy/ birth-planning/breastfeeding books? I have a fortune invested in those so I’d love to offer them to you….
Wishing you and your husband all the best. Congrats!
You deserve a perfect baby after all of this. Congratulations, and best of luck!
*BIG HUG*
Be kind to yourself, lady. You’re wonderful!
congratulations! i wish you all the best.
[longtime reader and rare commenter]
Congratulations. This must have been an incredibly tough thing to share, but it says so much about you as a person.
this kind of morning sickness is the best kind. the kind that you don’t mind. congrats! i recently had my first. time goes by quick take pictures of your belly so that when he or she is older you can show them where they came from…all the best…
Congratulations! Wishing you all the best.
I couldn’t be happier for you & James, and can vouch that June/July make AWESOME children. I mean, just look at me!
(I’m happy to share June 8th with your little bundle of joy should he/she decide to arrive early!) HURRAH for the expanding Hearn Family!!
THAT is just the happiest news. I’m happy with you and FOR you, and I’ll be holding you in my heart.
This news has made my heart happy all day long! So excited for you both. I mean three.
sending light, love and just all kinds of goodness.
Such thrilling news! Congrats to you both and may the morning sickness be short-lived.
thank you for sharing your story… i don’t even know you save reading your blog, and you brought a tear to my eye. last year my sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage and i pray my husband and i never have to go through that. i am looking forward to hearing more about your future baby. best of luck to you both.
Congratulations and thank you for sharing your story.
WHOOP! I’ve been praying for this, Helen Jane. Suspected you were going through fertility hell but didn’t know how bad.
So sorry for your losses, and as one of the many women who had a miscarriage, I agree it *is* a loss of someone/something specific and needs to be mourned. Still… you have made it now past the danger zone.
Hoping this will be the HAPPIEST year for you and James! Feel free to turn this into a gestation blog. LOL
xxxxoooo
Yes, I am welling up again. So terribly terribly happy all over the place.
Hooray!
HJ…
You emailed me a fabulous recipe for Shepherds Pie (still undecided on the apostrophe situation) and I now email you my very best wishes on this journey.
I’m really glad you decided to give Mrs.2007 her due on the blog. There’s something very important about acknowledgement in the grieving process. I hope this helps you in more ways than you even expected.
Greatest of luck to you… can’t wait for the day you get to post about your new little peanut.
Kim
Hoo-freakin-ray for HJ!
Good things for good people. May 2008 prove to be filled with many such happinesses.
Congratulations!! Doing backflips of excitement and thinking high thoughts for you three!
i read your blog a lot. i live in wisconsin and i appreciate the occasional wisco shoutouts. congratulations on your big news!
Congrats! So happy, here, for you. Eat, eat, eat, as much as you want. That was one of the best parts of pregnancy for me. Esp. if you plan on breastfeeding, which melts the lbs off. I have a 1.5 yr old daughter, and you are in for the ride of your life.
OH HJ! I’m so thrilled. I was wondering this year if baby-ness might be behind some of the quiet over here, and I totally understand the struggle to keep quiet or blog about it, but I’m SO PROUD that you did. Now you can borrow all of our faith to top up yours.
Pulling for you like a carthorse!
Ohhh, I am so happy for you! Having suffered 2 miscarriages in 2007 myself, I can feel your pain in this post. There is a wonderful Success After Loss board on the Nest for people who have been through it and are anxiously pregnant again. http://www.thenestbaby.com/stages/stage.aspx?stage=trimester1&ForumID=470 I don’t think I could have gotten through my pregnancy so far without them…
Wishing you the best! Yeah for 2008!
HJ,
You have no idea how close to home this hits.
I had my miscarriage 3 years ago, and it still stays with me. The week of “waiting for nature to take its course”, after we knew the pregnancy was not viable, was the worst week of my life.
We started to try again this past year and a half, and I had my first accupuncture appointment yesterday. The doctors want me to get surgery, to fix a problem that was a result of the miscarriage. I just cant wrap my head around that quite yet.
Thank you so much for this post…I would go on, but I don’t want to get weepy at my office. I am supposed to me the sarcastic, funny one.
Kitty
Congratulations! Very sad for your losses, but very happy for your baby-to-be!
congrats, honey! i am so happy for you & your expanding family (and tummy)! you are gonna be the bestest momma! xoxo