Nope, no baby yet.

Our five year anniversary was gentle and slow.
We saw Wanted.
We ate dinner at La Toque.

I really wanted Wanted to be better than it was.
Wanted Wanted.
(I think that was the theme of the day.)

Hard to pay attention with crushing contractions every five minutes.
Left the theater and went out to the bench outside to breathe.
The manager looked alarmed.
I was thrilled.

After the movie, James and I decided to continue on to our dinner.
Dinner was very fancy.
I supped excitedly through contractions.
My favorite dish was the scallop with squid ink tapioca.
I liked the sausage-stuffed Morels as well.

The contractions continued and got fiercer.

After we got home, we called the doula. We did this in between me gripping the table and breathing and gripping the couch and breathing and working very hard to get to the bed and breathing and then gripping the couch again. Anna the doula told me to drink a glass of wine and wait for the pains to become a little more regular.

I packed my bag.
I drank that glass of wine she recommended.
I became mighty loopy.
You could say I was wasted.

And I fell asleep immediately.
And woke up at eight the next morning.
Not to have another contraction again.

Sigh.

Highly satisfactory wedding anniversary none the less. We love each other even more than we did five years earlier. Marrying James was the best thing I have done so far in my life.

Two weekends ago, James and I cleaned out the garage.
I found several Rubbermaid containers filled with journals from my twenties.
They were so sad. I was so sad.
I threw them away.
It felt really good to clean that out — the sadness, the job search, the real frustration at dating and work and my body.
(Plus, I’d rather keep helenjane.com as my life record.)

It made me realize how it changed right before I met James.
That year, life started to turn around, and just like that, he arrived.
My love, my love, my love.

I hope that you get that love in your life.
I want that for you more than anything.

(Except to give birth to this baby, I might want that a little bit more.)

Tags: helen jane, helenjane, james hearn, Prenatal

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Patricia says:

June 29, 2008 at 9:35 pm

You are always so generous and kind.
You’re just plain awesome, Ms. Helen Jane.
I’m so happy that your anniversary was a good one.
And I hope the baby comes soon too!
Can’t wait to see photos.

Jenredstar says:

June 30, 2008 at 7:59 am

Happy Anniversary! My parents had their 39th wedding anniversary on Saturday… next year is the big 4-0. They are still in love and adorable together. Marrying Ryan was definitely the best thing I’ve ever done too. I’m so happy for you two.

SaltyMissJill says:

June 30, 2008 at 9:58 am

Happy Anniversary, and hooray for love!
This post just lifted my spirits. You do that.
PS…I love that your doula told you to drink a glass of wine…woman after our own hearts, she is.

James Hearn says:

June 30, 2008 at 11:32 am

She defies all of the stereo types and preconceived ideas that I had about a doula’s involvement in the process. Yeah, our doula rocks!

Alyce says:

June 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Marrying (my) James was the best thing I’ve ever done. Reading this post was like reading my own thoughts. Minus the contractions.

Happy Anniversary! Thank you for the well wishes. Such a kind-hearted person.

briantologist says:

June 30, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Okay, so clearly it would be a disaster if you had to wait another week and a half to get yourself de-babied/re-babied.

But!

It would be kind of awesome if your kiddo had the same birthday as Henry (July 11).

Eh. Actually I take that back. There’s probably no way the awesomeness of coincidence would overpower the awesomeness of not finally sharing baby-hauling duty after nine goddamn months.

But the wine is a good idea. Any birth professional will tell you the same.

Moose says:

June 30, 2008 at 6:53 pm

I also vote for July 11. It is the very best day for anyone to be born. Ever. (Ahem.) (Although, it seems like a rather far off date, and I’m sure your comfort level should come before Best Birthdate Ever.)

I think I’m still trapped in that rubbermaid container, but the next paragraph gives me hope. I’m copying that and putting it in a word document for my desktop. Yes, I am.

Sarah B. says:

July 1, 2008 at 1:54 pm

Oh, Helen Jane, this made me tear up. You have a good heart and reading you always makes me happy. Congratulations on all the love in your life. And that new little one!